18th September 2019.
The night so many aligning stars formulated their plan and guided me home.
It’s been a road full of more twists and turns than a Formula one calendar. As a bereaved Father it’s a journey I wish I had never had yet once you are strapped in, you face the experience head on. A roller coaster of infinity that you can’t get off, no matter how much you yearn to do so.
10 years ago was when my life was given the Reboot I didn’t want but I know has shocked me back to humanity. My Son Kyle may have been born asleep, however he has given me a renewed sense of purpose that was lacking in my previous life.
It’s a lonely journey sometimes. Crucially my co-pilot has been by my side the entire time. There have been testing moments along the way that as a family we have had to battle, my wife’s cancer at 26 being our toughest after losing Kyle.
We have gained some very special friends along the way. Sadly lost many too. Part of me died 10 years ago. I’m replaced by another version of my life. The choice was simple. Almost like a twisted sub plot from Star Wars. Be consumed by darkness and bitterness or see the light and hope “the force is with me”.
As a family we decided to “strike back”. To show the world we will not take anything lying down. And this was the base of some friendships developing that would come full circle a decade on. It also has cost me many friendships and for that I have no regrets.
Our 1st effort was a night for the wonderful Sands charity. Over the coming years we followed up with support for others including Tommy’s and Clic Sargent. The joy in raising awareness and some pennies gave a rush that cannot be accurately described. The feeling of giving a high 5 to every little Star in the sky to let them know we got this.
If you have a Dream, no matter what happens, hold onto it and never lose hope.
My dreams began in the form of nightmares. 3 days after tucking my lad into his eternal bed to sleep, i was back at work. The world stops for no Man and that included a broken one. My fractured reality required me to earn a living in order to give Kyle a dignified send off from the life he never had. I couldn’t grieve and so began the snatched moments of hiding alone in toilets or a quiet corner to cry in a world that would not allow me as a Dad to show my pain.
2018 was a turning point. Inspiration is in my life every day when I wake up to my beautiful family. And so came the announcement from Westminster that Carolyn Harris MP had successfully created Martin’s law, in memory of her Son, tragically killed in a road accident years earlier. Families in England and Wales would no longer pay funeral fees for a child. I recalled the sickening feeling going on the bus back to work, as Number one by Tinchy Stryder ans Ndubz played in my ear on the radio. I felt the burning pain scarring me all over again.
We challenged the Scottish Government to follow suit. We petitioned after a long process of scrutiny. I met my local MSP as we campaigned for this to be adopted in Scotland. Initailly we were rejected and we did not lose hope. Kate Forbes continued to fight on my behalf a then came the news we has won. As it sunk in the weight lifted. Nobody else had to be on that bus like I was day. Nobody else has to worry about paying a funeral when they should be grieving. A spark was ignited that was now burning as bright as any star.
Dream? If i wasn’t on that bus I’d rather be on the road to tranquillity. An eescape from the cruel world that was holding me captive. One phone call asked the question. The follow ups answered and went to work.
Months of hard work. Long nights after work. Legal docs, emails. Branding, identity and many tears and smiles.
March 2019 Anam Cara Fasgadh offcially became a Scottish charity. With the aim of providing that free respite that fate never allowed me to go to. To strive to ensure others can be given space to grieve.
As I stared at the new found bank balance of Zero, i wonderd how in earth can we do this? The answer came on an emotional autumn evening in Edinburgh as Anam Cara Fasgadh launched in the Scottish Parliament in Edinburgh.
As soon as the Radio played Kyle’s song, the most beautiful Rainbow appeared in Glencoe as I knew we would be ok.
An evening containing every emotion possible. 10 years on from saying goodbye to Kyle, I was able to speak of him as I delivered a speech in The Scottish Parliament in front of his Mummy and Sister. A normal husband and Father making a dream cone true in the place that one yeat earlier had set the stars in alignment. One of the proudest moments of my life.
I spoke of many beautiful children gone too soon. To say the name of Daisy Nicol and her incredible legacy of bringing my home town together. Where a play park bears her name as children’s laughter will forever be her gift to our world. To speak of Harris Ross, an incredible little boy in front of his Mum and Dad who I’m proud to call my friends. A charity in his name, STAR for Harris raising vital awareness of childhood cancer. Again heroes from my hometown who inspire me. Seeing an old friend for 1st time in 17 years. To thank her and her family for their bravery in speaking of her nephew James Kelly, who sadly passed away aged 11 in 2003. Their courage and spirit giving me the hope that we can make the world a little kinder.
As i recalled about our bank account, i was able to address Amelie and thank my little girl. One day Amelie cane home and said sorry she had missed lunch and asked me not to be cross. I knelt down and said of course not, just worried why my daughter had gone hungry. She handed me £1.67. She had a collection amongst her pals and said somebody had to start off our charity. She is 9 years old.
Today, less than 6 months on we have 13 thousand pounds as we chase our goal. Some incredible generosity from some amazing people are propelling us to our target. I cannot ever thank them enough.
At this point I had to compose myself. On the day that heaven had gained a special angel in one of my heroes, Fernando Ricksen, I dedicate my speech to his bravery in the face of adversity. A man who defined the word courage more than any words can ever do justice. I know he would have been up there 24 hours later watching the team I adore with my Kyle from the stars.
Never in a million years did I imagine this path. Being part of an exclusive club you cannot leave is how I describe being a bereved parent. Now I am here, im devoted to making the world a kinder place in Kyle’s name.
To stand in our Parliament with several other Child Loss charities there to support us was humbling beyond belief. All of us now United with the goal of working together for bereaved families.
Not my words, but maybe too beautiful not to apply as It means a lot to me.
Maybe I can’t stop the Downpour, but I will always join you for a walk in the Rain.
X
Being Dad 